Mandy "Miria" Ryan
Energy Healer; Spiritual Empowerment Life Coach; Interfaith Minister; Facilitator; Crafter/Creator; Life-Long Learner

Our story begins in 2004, when a rollover vehicle accident changed my life and the lives of those close to me. My three daughters and I were traveling to see my parents at Christmastime when it occurred. The cops called it a freak accident, as in the exact ‘right’ set of circumstances occurring in an order that created a specific outcome – meaning a “1” in “enter large number here” chance of happening.

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My girls were 10 years, 8 years, and 2 weeks old at the time. My older daughters and I received multiple injuries, but my youngest daughter did not survive. She passed while I was still in the hospital, and I was not there to hold her as she crossed over.
After our return home and the funeral, we started the long journey of relearning how to live with the loss of our little one and what life looked like without her in it. At only two weeks old, she had already made an enormous impact in our life and her absence was overwhelming, in every sense of the word. It is hard to explain how much the heartache reflects in your arms – how ‘heavy’ they become when you know there should be a baby there. There were nights when I would listen for her breathing and not be able to sleep because I couldn’t hear her. We even had to rearrange the living room so I wouldn’t see the car seat that wasn’t actually there sitting in the chair. At times, it seemed like every thought and movement felt wrong because she was missing.

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I will admit, I became an alcoholic for about a year and essentially “checked out” from the world around me. One day I drank enough that I probably should have been hospitalized and I didn’t feel the effects of it at all – the next day I resolved to quit drinking and to try to be more present in my life.
Over the next several years, I ‘worked’ every day to put the past behind me and move forward, but more often than not, it was a severe struggle just to get out of bed. I couldn’t walk through WalMart without crying if I had to pass the baby section. Hearing someone else’s baby cry would almost put me in hysterics, along with still feeling the physical response in my breast that a woman feels when her newborn baby cries. I developed PTSD and a fear of being around others – seeing them with their small children or pregnant would send me spiraling with grief.
I believe the hardest part of the journey was that she was still alive and well in my head, and I would ‘see’ her growing just as she would have if she were still alive, having birthday parties, her playing with my sisters’ kids or running around the park with my older daughters, getting ready for her first day of school….  I eventually shut down all of my feelings as well, as it was easier than riding the roller coaster of emotion.

A few other traumatic occurrences happened between 2004 and 2009 that I will not list here out of respect, and finally came to a head when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. My dad had raised me as a free thinker and a do-er, to be able to work out problems and find a good solution, and to be okay with the solution and learn from it if it was not the best possible one. He exemplified unconditional love and patience, and was always available to listen and hold space no matter what was going on in his life. By that time, I truly believed I could not handle anything else life had to throw at me. We didn’t know how long Dad would live, and as the oldest it would be up to me to help him handle the end of life decisions and assist with planning his funeral – but I knew I didn’t have the capacity to take it on at that moment.

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I started soul-searching and realized that I had attempted on my own to change my perspectives and be more present with myself and those around me but I was not as successful as I wanted to be. I also realized that I had cut off my intuition completely (which had been a large part of my life until the accident), that being physically present was not the same as being mentally present, and that my husband and daughters had been suffering as well but didn’t want to “burden” me with their problems. Along with those observances, came the realization that I had not used my problem-solving skills that Dad taught me, that I had built my walls so big that nothing came in anymore which meant things were not getting out as well, that I had not properly grieved the loss of my daughter, and that I had not provided the support my family needed either so we could grow together. To be sure, I did my fair share of crying and raging and hiding; I went through all the stages but I had not faced it head-on so I could properly process all the feelings.

With that, came the understanding that I could not make these changes on my own – I would need someone to help me find the tools I needed to take the next step. I had no idea where to look, what questions to ask, or even what kind of help I needed. I started attending community events again and re-learned how to pay attention to those around me. At one of the events, another person asked someone the basics of doing energy work – how does one get started? I was fortunately close enough to overhear the conversation and inserted myself into it. Little did I know at the time it was exactly what I was looking for! I started to learn more about energy movement within the body, what tools were available to help me be centered, and how important spirituality and magic (intention) can be in one’s life.

Along the way, I learned something from many others, even if they don’t realize that they were a catalyst in my growth and healing. Most of them became dear friends along the way! The most important take-away from my journey so far, learned from all of the people that I came in contact with, is that no matter how you are feeling, no matter what you are going through – there is someone out there that can lend a hand or an ear. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! I decided that I also wanted to be available to others, to assist them in becoming empowered to make the changes they need, to provide the tools and a safe space for their growth and learning, and to pay forward the kindnesses that I received. I firmly believe that my lesson from the accident was to learn and understand my life’s calling, and to make it happen.

Spirit of Drakaina LLC is the most recent name for the venture that I’ve been working on since 2011. I started a Reiki practice and assisted a friend with a local spiritual center to learn more about what to offer and what a spiritual center ‘looks like’. When she moved, I took on running the center and continued the services and teachings. The PTSD is still noticeable sometimes and there are days where the world seems to be a little too much for me to handle. I can tell you that these days are fewer and farther between, and I have learned either to work through it with the tools that I have at my disposal or to allow myself to feel whatever it is coming through and take some “me time” to process. Some of the important things I’ve learned are that no one is perfect (no matter how much they appear to be) and that NO ONE is required to have a good day all the time. Learning to honor your Self is so freeing!!

And the rest is history. I am exceedingly grateful for the path that I’ve found and I look forward to sharing it with you!